Reflections of 2015

As the end of 2015 is quickly approaching, I am sitting back with a cup of hot tea and reflecting on what's occurred over the last 365 days. It's easy to lose track of our blessings on a daily basis. Life happens. Sometimes life throws you curveballs. Sometimes life is a downright nightmare. However, it's important to always seek out the good and positive in life regardless of what you may be facing.

Today, my dad endured yet another round of chemo. He dreads it. Mom and I do as well. I hate chemo day. Not just for the obvious reasons but because once chemo day is over then I know I "lose" my dad for about eight days. I feel more helpless than usual. I am the fixer. I hate when I can't fix things. The good news is that on the eighth day after chemo, Dad miraculously starts slowly feeling better and turning back into my dad. That is until the next round. We're lucky that Dad has almost two weeks of good days. We're lucky that Dad has any good days at all. I try to reinforce that thought but during those eight days it's really difficult for Dad to be positive... and understandably so. I don't know how he does it - I'm not so sure I could.

It would be easy to sit back right now and be angry, to be resentful and to ask the simple question of "why". In fact, I do that quite often. However, it doesn't get me anywhere. Nothing changes as a result of screaming at God. Things do change though when I delve into my faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand the reason right now but one day we will. We always do.

While I'm reflecting on 2015, the one thing that I tend to focus on is where Dad was this time last year. It was a completely different place and not a good one. He would say that right now isn't a good place to be either and I understand that but hear me out.  I tend to feel better when I put things into perspective.  This time last year, it was a nightmare. He's come so far in a year.

In December 2014 Dad was in tremendous pain. No warning. No explanation. He had severe pain in his hip, his back and his ribs. He had to walk with a cane. He had to take oxycodone every three hours, 24/7, and it still didn't take away the pain. When the bump on the back of his head appeared it just about smacked me in the face. Long story short, I feared the worst.  When prostate cancer spreads, it is known for spreading to the bone. The pain Dad was having was all surrounding bony structures. I didn't say anything out loud but inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs. The thing we had dreaded the last 20 years was coming true. Dad's cancer was back and it had metastasized to the bone. That's exactly what the bone scan showed. For once, I wished I was wrong. 

The other thing Dad had always dreaded in his almost 20 year journey to annihilate cancer was that he'd have to endure chemo. In February 2015, Dad started chemo. All of a sudden, chemo wasn't the devil anymore. Why? Because chemo was the only option left. Chemo would hopefully save Dad's life.

When Dad started chemo his PSA was at 101. When he was first diagnosed with prostate cancer it was in the high 20s. Anything over a 2 or 3 is dangerous so you can understand our fear. After taking a huge decline in the beginning and continuing to decline throughout the year, the PSA has recently slowed down and is starting to plateau. His latest PSA is at 13. Sure it's not 0. But it's also not 101.

In a matter of a year, Dad has had to endure poison coursing through his entire body.... on purpose. It sucks. No, it is absolutely devastating. But you know what? That poison is working.  His hair may be gone but the visible tumor on his skull is also gone. The neuropathy in his legs, feet, arms and hands may be unbearable and worsening but that's a result of the chemo; not the cancer. His fatigue and weakness is debilitating at times but he has the ability to rest and that's what his body needs in order to recover. He has an incredible wife who is serving as his 24/7 caregiver. Many people in Dad's condition (or worse) do not have such a loving person by their side. The unbearable pain caused by the cancer is gone. All of the pain that the cancer was causing this time last year is nonexistent. Chemo is working!

As I reflect on the past year and I think about all that my dad (and my mom) have been through in Dad's journey to kick prostate cancer's ass yet again, I feel so blessed. Really, you ask?  How can I feel blessed if my dad's cancer has come back for the fifth time and it's worse than ever?  I am thankful for my dad's oncologist and his team of nurses. I am thankful for my mother and her undying devotion to my dad. I am thankful for my dad's strength and faith even when it could be so very easy for him to give up. I am thankful for our friends and family who pray for him on a daily basis. I am thankful for Denny's Shotgun Riders. I am thankful to my non-profit support system and new family, ZERO.

Chemo is a bitch and why we don't have a cure for cancer by now is incomprehensible to me. Why we have to resort to pumping poison into someone's body causing them to become sicker makes no sense to me. But ironically, I am thankful for that poison. Why? The absolute truth is that without chemo my dad wouldn't be here right now.

As you're thinking about what's happened in 2015 and what your possible resolutions and goals are for 2016, take a moment and consider what your blessings are. I bet you don't even realize how fortunate you really are in this life. If you need some reassurance or a reality check, hit me up. I'll be happy to help.

Be safe on New Year's Eve and be thankful. Take it from my parents and me, your life can change in an instant. May God bless you all with a loving, happy and healthy 2016. Thank you all for keeping my parents in your prayers. It truly means more than know.

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

- Laura Story

The most precious gift of all

I don't have all that I want in this life but I have more than I need and I am so very grateful.  I have a roof over my head. I have a new car that keeps me safe on the road. I have food in my kitchen. I have clothes and shoes in my closet. I have a job that pays the bills and allows me to live pretty comfortably. I have a boss who not only appreciates me but who I am blessed to call my friend. I have my health. I have incredible parents who love me. I have the ultimate protector as my "son". I have a man who is deserving of my love and accepts me for who I am. I have a ton of friends and even more importantly, I have a handful of friends who mean enough to me to consider them family (more than most people with which I even share a bloodline).


I lost my grandmother, my ultimate source of lifelong unconditional love, two years ago. She was my best friend, my biggest fan, my sounding board, my partner in crime. I wanted for nothing when she was in my world and even when I didn't know I needed something she instantly provided it. I have so many tangible memories around my home that she provided to me over almost 40 years. However, meaning more to me than those items, is the time that we spent together. She wasn't a grandmother that I just saw on holidays and maybe a few times a year. She was a grandmother that I spent time with weekly and sometimes even daily when we lived five miles apart. We spent vacations together and every summer weekend together when I was a child.  While she did nothing short of spoiling me rotten and showering me gifts all year through, nothing could ever compare to the time that we spent together. The moments we shared - that's what meant the most to me and to this day I am so appreciative.

I lost my grandfather when I was 11 years old and while I often wonder how different my life would be had he been in it for a longer period of time, I know that my life was filled with abundant love and he had such an influence on who I would become. I received more love in those 11 years than some people do in a lifetime. While I still have many mementos from our time together, I cherish our moments together more than anything. If I could only be half as good of a person as he was, I'd be satisfied. He never met a stranger and was singing all the time. I like to think that I got my love of food and cooking from him. I always remember during the holidays when he dressed up like Santa Claus and came to my elementary school. He was the best Santa we'd ever seen and I felt like the luckiest girl alive because he was my Santa every day of the year; not just at Christmas. As a little girl, I would wake up Christmas morning to the sound of my grandfather,"Yoo hoo, Miss Bloo-hoo" and would jump out of bed and rush down the stairs into his arms. I had no idea until I was older that he and my grandmother would always come the night before. I also learned that he and Dad always enjoyed eating the cookies I left for Santa (washed down with a bourbon and water, of course).

I love making memories. I love taking photographs and capturing moments in time. I can look at a photograph and remember exactly how I felt at that exact moment no matter how long ago the photo was taken. Friends may get tired of me photographing everything in sight but they'll thank me one day.

As time goes on, I've found it's harder to get gifts that will be a surprise to my parents. I'm sure they feel the same about me. We tend to get whatever we want when we want it. There's nothing I "want" or "need" this year for Christmas. All I want is be with them. All I want is for them to be healthy and happy and to spend time with them - precious time with them. I want to enjoy delicious meals that we make together. I want to enjoy delicious wine that I have saved to share for a special occasion such as this one. I want to listen to music. I want to laugh. I want to smile. I want to just be. I want to just be happy with my people. I want to feel peace and joy and embrace the moment. Every single moment.

Hold your people tight. 

Times goes by so very fast.

 It feels like it was just yesterday that I was being held in my dad's arms as he had his arm around my mom and we stood in front of the Christmas tree at my grandparents house in Alexandria.

Of all the gifts I've been given over the years and for all the gifts that I may receive in the future, the gift of time is the most precious gift of all.

Merry Christmas!

Remember the real reason for the season and embrace every moment. You never know when that moment will turn into a special memory that you treasure for the rest of your life.

She makes him feel like Christmas.....

but to her, he is the epitome of all that IS Christmas. "They say from the instant he lays eyes on her, a father adores his daughter. Whoever she grows up to be, she is always to him that little girl in pigtails. She makes him feel like Christmas. In exchange, he makes a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes or the secrets she keeps." ' The first true love any girl has is her father. No one will ever replace him as the love of her life. At this time of year, I felt the need to just post pictures of my wonderful dad and me. My father has always loved Christmas and it is because of him and my grandfather, Carlton, that I, too, have loved Christmas my entire life. Last year was difficult as Dad was in tremendous pain and his cancer had just returned.  This year, while that pain is gone and the cancer is reaching its demise, Dad is in a state of exhaustion and weakness due to chemo. However, his spirit is still the same and it shines through and envelops all of us who are fortunate enough to know him. May that same spirit of strength, determination, will, hope, faith and love - the spirit of Christmas - also surround you and yours. Update: Dad's last PSA (in November) was at 11.7!! It's slowing down but it's still dropping. Please keep my father in your prayers. While the PSA is dropping, the chemo is harsher and its taking its toll physically on my father. Pray for strength and healing. Please also keep my mother in your prayers. The caregiver is often the silent hero and goes overlooked. She needs your love and support just as much as Dad does.