Reflections of 2015

As the end of 2015 is quickly approaching, I am sitting back with a cup of hot tea and reflecting on what's occurred over the last 365 days. It's easy to lose track of our blessings on a daily basis. Life happens. Sometimes life throws you curveballs. Sometimes life is a downright nightmare. However, it's important to always seek out the good and positive in life regardless of what you may be facing.

Today, my dad endured yet another round of chemo. He dreads it. Mom and I do as well. I hate chemo day. Not just for the obvious reasons but because once chemo day is over then I know I "lose" my dad for about eight days. I feel more helpless than usual. I am the fixer. I hate when I can't fix things. The good news is that on the eighth day after chemo, Dad miraculously starts slowly feeling better and turning back into my dad. That is until the next round. We're lucky that Dad has almost two weeks of good days. We're lucky that Dad has any good days at all. I try to reinforce that thought but during those eight days it's really difficult for Dad to be positive... and understandably so. I don't know how he does it - I'm not so sure I could.

It would be easy to sit back right now and be angry, to be resentful and to ask the simple question of "why". In fact, I do that quite often. However, it doesn't get me anywhere. Nothing changes as a result of screaming at God. Things do change though when I delve into my faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand the reason right now but one day we will. We always do.

While I'm reflecting on 2015, the one thing that I tend to focus on is where Dad was this time last year. It was a completely different place and not a good one. He would say that right now isn't a good place to be either and I understand that but hear me out.  I tend to feel better when I put things into perspective.  This time last year, it was a nightmare. He's come so far in a year.

In December 2014 Dad was in tremendous pain. No warning. No explanation. He had severe pain in his hip, his back and his ribs. He had to walk with a cane. He had to take oxycodone every three hours, 24/7, and it still didn't take away the pain. When the bump on the back of his head appeared it just about smacked me in the face. Long story short, I feared the worst.  When prostate cancer spreads, it is known for spreading to the bone. The pain Dad was having was all surrounding bony structures. I didn't say anything out loud but inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs. The thing we had dreaded the last 20 years was coming true. Dad's cancer was back and it had metastasized to the bone. That's exactly what the bone scan showed. For once, I wished I was wrong. 

The other thing Dad had always dreaded in his almost 20 year journey to annihilate cancer was that he'd have to endure chemo. In February 2015, Dad started chemo. All of a sudden, chemo wasn't the devil anymore. Why? Because chemo was the only option left. Chemo would hopefully save Dad's life.

When Dad started chemo his PSA was at 101. When he was first diagnosed with prostate cancer it was in the high 20s. Anything over a 2 or 3 is dangerous so you can understand our fear. After taking a huge decline in the beginning and continuing to decline throughout the year, the PSA has recently slowed down and is starting to plateau. His latest PSA is at 13. Sure it's not 0. But it's also not 101.

In a matter of a year, Dad has had to endure poison coursing through his entire body.... on purpose. It sucks. No, it is absolutely devastating. But you know what? That poison is working.  His hair may be gone but the visible tumor on his skull is also gone. The neuropathy in his legs, feet, arms and hands may be unbearable and worsening but that's a result of the chemo; not the cancer. His fatigue and weakness is debilitating at times but he has the ability to rest and that's what his body needs in order to recover. He has an incredible wife who is serving as his 24/7 caregiver. Many people in Dad's condition (or worse) do not have such a loving person by their side. The unbearable pain caused by the cancer is gone. All of the pain that the cancer was causing this time last year is nonexistent. Chemo is working!

As I reflect on the past year and I think about all that my dad (and my mom) have been through in Dad's journey to kick prostate cancer's ass yet again, I feel so blessed. Really, you ask?  How can I feel blessed if my dad's cancer has come back for the fifth time and it's worse than ever?  I am thankful for my dad's oncologist and his team of nurses. I am thankful for my mother and her undying devotion to my dad. I am thankful for my dad's strength and faith even when it could be so very easy for him to give up. I am thankful for our friends and family who pray for him on a daily basis. I am thankful for Denny's Shotgun Riders. I am thankful to my non-profit support system and new family, ZERO.

Chemo is a bitch and why we don't have a cure for cancer by now is incomprehensible to me. Why we have to resort to pumping poison into someone's body causing them to become sicker makes no sense to me. But ironically, I am thankful for that poison. Why? The absolute truth is that without chemo my dad wouldn't be here right now.

As you're thinking about what's happened in 2015 and what your possible resolutions and goals are for 2016, take a moment and consider what your blessings are. I bet you don't even realize how fortunate you really are in this life. If you need some reassurance or a reality check, hit me up. I'll be happy to help.

Be safe on New Year's Eve and be thankful. Take it from my parents and me, your life can change in an instant. May God bless you all with a loving, happy and healthy 2016. Thank you all for keeping my parents in your prayers. It truly means more than know.

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

- Laura Story

The most precious gift of all

I don't have all that I want in this life but I have more than I need and I am so very grateful.  I have a roof over my head. I have a new car that keeps me safe on the road. I have food in my kitchen. I have clothes and shoes in my closet. I have a job that pays the bills and allows me to live pretty comfortably. I have a boss who not only appreciates me but who I am blessed to call my friend. I have my health. I have incredible parents who love me. I have the ultimate protector as my "son". I have a man who is deserving of my love and accepts me for who I am. I have a ton of friends and even more importantly, I have a handful of friends who mean enough to me to consider them family (more than most people with which I even share a bloodline).


I lost my grandmother, my ultimate source of lifelong unconditional love, two years ago. She was my best friend, my biggest fan, my sounding board, my partner in crime. I wanted for nothing when she was in my world and even when I didn't know I needed something she instantly provided it. I have so many tangible memories around my home that she provided to me over almost 40 years. However, meaning more to me than those items, is the time that we spent together. She wasn't a grandmother that I just saw on holidays and maybe a few times a year. She was a grandmother that I spent time with weekly and sometimes even daily when we lived five miles apart. We spent vacations together and every summer weekend together when I was a child.  While she did nothing short of spoiling me rotten and showering me gifts all year through, nothing could ever compare to the time that we spent together. The moments we shared - that's what meant the most to me and to this day I am so appreciative.

I lost my grandfather when I was 11 years old and while I often wonder how different my life would be had he been in it for a longer period of time, I know that my life was filled with abundant love and he had such an influence on who I would become. I received more love in those 11 years than some people do in a lifetime. While I still have many mementos from our time together, I cherish our moments together more than anything. If I could only be half as good of a person as he was, I'd be satisfied. He never met a stranger and was singing all the time. I like to think that I got my love of food and cooking from him. I always remember during the holidays when he dressed up like Santa Claus and came to my elementary school. He was the best Santa we'd ever seen and I felt like the luckiest girl alive because he was my Santa every day of the year; not just at Christmas. As a little girl, I would wake up Christmas morning to the sound of my grandfather,"Yoo hoo, Miss Bloo-hoo" and would jump out of bed and rush down the stairs into his arms. I had no idea until I was older that he and my grandmother would always come the night before. I also learned that he and Dad always enjoyed eating the cookies I left for Santa (washed down with a bourbon and water, of course).

I love making memories. I love taking photographs and capturing moments in time. I can look at a photograph and remember exactly how I felt at that exact moment no matter how long ago the photo was taken. Friends may get tired of me photographing everything in sight but they'll thank me one day.

As time goes on, I've found it's harder to get gifts that will be a surprise to my parents. I'm sure they feel the same about me. We tend to get whatever we want when we want it. There's nothing I "want" or "need" this year for Christmas. All I want is be with them. All I want is for them to be healthy and happy and to spend time with them - precious time with them. I want to enjoy delicious meals that we make together. I want to enjoy delicious wine that I have saved to share for a special occasion such as this one. I want to listen to music. I want to laugh. I want to smile. I want to just be. I want to just be happy with my people. I want to feel peace and joy and embrace the moment. Every single moment.

Hold your people tight. 

Times goes by so very fast.

 It feels like it was just yesterday that I was being held in my dad's arms as he had his arm around my mom and we stood in front of the Christmas tree at my grandparents house in Alexandria.

Of all the gifts I've been given over the years and for all the gifts that I may receive in the future, the gift of time is the most precious gift of all.

Merry Christmas!

Remember the real reason for the season and embrace every moment. You never know when that moment will turn into a special memory that you treasure for the rest of your life.

She makes him feel like Christmas.....

but to her, he is the epitome of all that IS Christmas. "They say from the instant he lays eyes on her, a father adores his daughter. Whoever she grows up to be, she is always to him that little girl in pigtails. She makes him feel like Christmas. In exchange, he makes a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes or the secrets she keeps." ' The first true love any girl has is her father. No one will ever replace him as the love of her life. At this time of year, I felt the need to just post pictures of my wonderful dad and me. My father has always loved Christmas and it is because of him and my grandfather, Carlton, that I, too, have loved Christmas my entire life. Last year was difficult as Dad was in tremendous pain and his cancer had just returned.  This year, while that pain is gone and the cancer is reaching its demise, Dad is in a state of exhaustion and weakness due to chemo. However, his spirit is still the same and it shines through and envelops all of us who are fortunate enough to know him. May that same spirit of strength, determination, will, hope, faith and love - the spirit of Christmas - also surround you and yours. Update: Dad's last PSA (in November) was at 11.7!! It's slowing down but it's still dropping. Please keep my father in your prayers. While the PSA is dropping, the chemo is harsher and its taking its toll physically on my father. Pray for strength and healing. Please also keep my mother in your prayers. The caregiver is often the silent hero and goes overlooked. She needs your love and support just as much as Dad does.

Inspiration from Sunshine

I was born with a burgundy and gold football in my hands. Ok, maybe not literally, but I was born with burgundy and gold flowing through my veins. At 42 years old, through the good times and the bad times, I have continued to be a diehard Redskins fan and I will be until the day that I die. I have my parents to thank for that and I am forever grateful.  Redskins football was a major part of my childhood and it has continued into adulthood. While I am a faithful Christian, I often joke that Redskins football is my church.  It’s the one way I can express to people how important of a tradition it is to me and my family. Everyone who knows me knows that I’ll be at the game or in front of the tv on Sundays (and the occasional Monday or Thursday night). If you want to see me or talk to me, you better be by my side. Otherwise, catch me another day.

There isn’t much that will take me away from watching a game. Even when I am out of town, I find a tv in that town that is showing the game. More than 15 years ago, I won a trip to San Francisco and remember having to find a place to watch the Skins that Sunday. Nothing like eating breakfast at a bar watching football on the West Coast all decked out in Skins gear.  

In recent years (decades even) my boys haven’t been as prominent of a force in the NFL and that’s when I embrace how lucky I am that I not only remember the good days but I remember the celebrations and the emotions of winning division championships and Super Bowls. I remember going out to Redskins Park at all hours of the night to welcome my team home. I remember the parades in DC . I remember RFK bleachers bouncing up and down. I remember chanting “We want Dallas”. I remember the Hogs, the best QB ever, Joe Theismann, and the best coach ever, Joe Gibbs.

I remember going to training camp in Carlisle, PA, when I was in middle school and being able to watch scrimmages, meet all of the players, get pictures and autographs. It wasn't like training camp now where there are specific days you are allowed to attend. I remember Gary Clark and Ricky Sanders running laps behind the bleachers and waving at me and Mom, and Ricky referring to my mom as “dear”. I remember going on the John Riggins Show. I remember meeting Joe Jacoby at the Old Dominion Boat Club and how excited my grandmother was to not even come up to that beast’s armpits.  I remember Darrell Green speaking at my church. While I’d like to forget the occasion, I also remember walking down the aisle to a slowed down, acoustic guitar version of “Hail to the Redskins” and the happy surprise on my dad’s face. I remember  when we draped a sign that said “Welcome to Redskins Territory” across the street from my parents top floor townhouse window to their best friends’ townhouse window so that anyone who came down the street would see it.  There are so many glorious memories that I could go on for days.

I remember crossing everything we had and wearing the same clothes, sitting in the same seats and eating the same foods during games. Why? Because we obviously played an integral part in winning those games! When we didn’t do those things and the Skins started losing, we would quickly fix it and guess what? They’d win! Yep, my family is powerful.

Most of all, I remember the class and the respect that my Skins not only displayed but demanded. The NFL has changed since the 80s and the 90s. The caliber of players, the intent of players, the heart of players , the way the game is played, the rules, and even the character of players in the NFL has changed. 

However, two years ago, I happened to meet a very genuine and kind-hearted man the Skins drafted as pick seven in the fourth round of the 2012 NFL draft.  I didn’t know anything about him except that a friend of mine who grew up in Michigan (and really knows college football) had told me that this former Michigan State Spartan QB was going to be one of the best things that ever happened to my team. While everyone, including myself, was excited about our first round draft pick, RGIII, and didn’t know why we would draft another QB in the same draft, I keep remembering to this day, being told it was one of the smartest things the Skins did. It wasn’t long after that we realized my friend was right. While RGIII had a phenomenal rookie year and then succumbed to injuries and his ultimate demise (at the hand of a bad coaching staff) it was then that I remembered that blond-haired blue-eyed Midwesterner we had sitting on the bench.

This season Captain Kirk...Sunshine.... Kirk Cousins, was named my team’s starting quarterback. He has a lot to learn but with each game he plays he improves and it’s evident. He’s only going to get better. From the moment that I met this man two years ago and was able to sense his generosity and pure kindness, I knew he was special. There isn’t a pretentious bone in his body. Perhaps growing up as a preacher’s son is the reason.  He strives to be the best he can be - for himself and his team.

Two Sundays ago, I was fortunate enough to attend the comeback game against Tampa Bay with my mom. The first half was dreadful and when the supposed fans started chanting “RGIII” I was disgusted. Evidently, I wasn’t the only one disgusted because the next drive “Sunshine” shut them up and went on a rout that would give us the biggest comeback in the team’s history. It pissed him off just as it did me. Yet, most importantly, it motivated him.

Yesterday, my favorite guy and I were at the game and Kirk had the best game of his life. As a Redskins fan as well as a Kirk Cousins fan, I couldn’t have been much happier. I never get tired of singing the fight song, and with four touchdowns I sang it a lot yesterday. (After all they do say "Fight for Val-er-ie" in the song, ya know.) Nothing irritates me as much as opposing team fans in MY stadium and when they are actually louder than Skins fans.  So when my Skins started to massacre the Saints, this tiny little diehard was louder than anyone thought was possible and with good reason!

After yesterday’s 47-14 win, with an almost non-existent voice, and a permanent grin on my face, my only wish that was my dad would have been there to witness this extraordinary win. What made it even sweeter is that after the game I found out what my dear Sunshine had done and it not only renewed my faith in today's players but it connected me even more to Kirk Cousins in a way that I was not aware of until yesterday.

In September, when Kirk started his first full season as the Redskins starting QB, his dad was diagnosed with metastatic squamous cell carcinoma. Don Cousins is a pastor at a church in Orlando and had been unable to travel due to his cancer treatment until yesterday’s game. How ironic that the first time he was able to watch his son in person happened to be the greatest game of his professional career. Kirk threw for 324 yards and four touchdowns with no interceptions and was 20 of 25 in completions.

Being the class act that he is, after the game, Kirk greeted the opposing team’s quarterback with a game ball under his arm and then Kirk immediately delivered the game ball to his dad who was in the stands! Kirk was excited to have him at the game but even more so to have him witness such a fantastic win! When he gave his dad the game ball, his dad thanked him for a great day. Kirk was thrilled to see his dad with a smile on his face and it became a very special day for his family.

There's no other person in this world that is a bigger Skins fan than my dad. He's never turned his back on them - no matter what version of our team shows up on game day. He always has faith in his team and he's talked me off the ledge about giving up on them many times.  There's only one thing that would stop him from going to the game and sitting in his seat with my mom at Fed Ex Field and unfortunately, that's this son of a bitch called prostate cancer.

I have a huge responsibility when I am at these games – not just to my team as a fan but as a daughter. My dad hasn’t been able to attend a game in over a year.  For a man who has been going to games for over 30 years, and the one who instilled the love of Redskins in his daughter, I am aware of the enormity of the shoes I have to fill when I am sitting in my dad's seat.

This photo made me emotional. This story made me emotional.

Kirk Cousins IS that standup, lo key, genuine, good-hearted, silent hero kind of man that I thought he was when I met him (and when no one else in the room even knew who he was but me). It was with this quote, that it really hit home because I realized for the first time, that Kirk and I had more than just our love of football in common.  We also had a commonality of love for our dads and strong faith in our God.

“It’s been kind of tough,” Cousins said of playing football through his dad’s battle, “but it’s part of life and you just kind of work through it and trust God’s plan.”

God Bless our fathers and their battles with cancer.

Thank you, Sunshine, for not only being a genuine human being, but an incredible role model, and thank you for instilling such incredible inspiration in me!

****

Next chemo is Thursday, November 19.

Keep the prayers coming, please!

Remember: It's a marathon; not a sprint

It's October. October is my favorite month of the year. The warm days and cool nights, the crispness in the air, hay rides and pumpkins and the beautiful colors of the changing leaves. If only it would stay October forever but all good things must come to an end.

In the same way that I love October and don't want it to end, my father hates chemo and is ready for it to end. In fact, my mother and I are also ready for it to end. We're ready for the neuropathy in his feet and legs to end. We're ready for the loss of his hair to end. We're ready for the flavor of all food as cardboard (for a week after chemo) to end. We're ready for the extreme fatigue and weakness to end. We're ready for the feeling of not being able to do anything that he used to be able to do with such ease to end.

What we're not ready to have end though, is the PSA decreasing! Yes, friends, through all of the discomfort, frustration, exhaustion and misery, the PSA is still decreasing which means we're winning this battle against prostate cancer.

Two treatments ago, Dad's oncologist reduced the amount of chemo by 20% to help reduce the duration of the harmful physical effects of chemo that Dad was experiencing. It was to help Dad bounce back quicker after chemo and it worked!  The first PSA after having the chemo reduction still showed a decrease but it didn't drop as much as we had hoped. It was a bit demoralizing until we realized that we shouldn't be looking at points necessarily but by the percentage trend. Some PSA results only reflect one chemo treatment while others reduce two to three depending on how the three-week chemo intervals fall. The bottom line is the PSA is still decreasing and Dad's "bounce back time" is back to one week versus two weeks putting quality of life at the forefront! We are succeeding!!

This is not easy. In fact, this is pure hell. It is pure hell, obviously, for my father because he is having to endure it. It is pure hell for my mother because she is the silent caregiver who wants to fix things for the love of her life and there's only so much she can do. It is pure hell for me seeing my father suffer for a week and a day after chemo and trying to quit asking why.

We all want this to end for him. But we will continue to do what we are doing because it is working. In February his PSA was 101. The last PSA he had in September was 12.7. The goal is obviously 0. There is no doubt in my mind that we will get there. We are closer to 0 now than we have been in almost a year when this bastard reared its ugly head again in the winter of 2014.

But we have to remember that this does not happen on our terms.
We need to be grateful for every step.
We take all victories.
This battle with prostate cancer is a marathon; not a sprint.

September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month

I don't talk about work much because once those 7.5 hours (and sometimes longer) of my day are over, I do my best to put it aside and forget about it until the next day arrives. However, I need to talk for just a moment about what I do for a living as it relates to prostate cancer.

I am the Chief Deputy Clerk to the Prince William Board of County Supervisors. You can call me "Chief". Just kidding. It sounds fancy but it's really not. Basically, the Clerk, my boss, and I run the County's elected board's legislative sessions which are usually held three times a month.  Most meetings have a Consent Agenda which include proclamations and commendations to be approved by the Board and they must be introduced by a Board member. I've been working in this position for over five years and recently realized when I was preparing the agenda for the September 8 Board meeting that prostate cancer has never been addressed. Just about every other cancer has been acknowledged but not the one that is most important to me.

This year, I'm very proud and pleased to say that Coles Magisterial District Supervisor Marty Nohe brought forth a resolution to proclaim September 2015 as Prostate Cancer Awareness Month in Prince William County!

At its Tuesday, September 8, 2015 afternoon legislative session, the Board of County Supervisors approved the resolution. I am thrilled to say that my friend, partner in crime on the Let's Talk Live segment, and Vice President of Marketing and Communications for ZERO, Colony Brown, proudly accepted the proclamation and spoke publicly at the Board meeting.

Click the link below to see the video clip.
(Be patient. There's some lead time.)

http://pwcgov.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=23&clip_id=2020&meta_id=46753

 

Not only was I honored to have Colony there but my parents were also in attendance for the proclamation presentation.

 

 

Proclaim – September 2015 – Prostate Cancer Awareness Month
 

WHEREAS, prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death among American men and is the most commonly diagnosed; affecting one in seven men; and
 

WHEREAS, it is estimated that 220,800 men will be diagnosed in 2015. Currently, there are nearly 2.8 million American men living with the prostate cancer; roughly equal to the population of Chicago; and
 

WHEREAS, in 2015, 6,120 new prostate cancer cases and 670 deaths are projected for Virginia; both rates being higher than the projected U.S. average; and
 

WHEREAS, all men are at risk of developing prostate cancer but that risk increases significantly with age.  About one in 304 men younger than 49 years will be diagnosed. One in 44 men ages 50 to 59; one in 16 men ages 60 to 69; and one in nine men ages 70 and over will be diagnosed with prostate cancer; and
 

WHEREAS, it is recommended men should start discussing prostate cancer risk and testing options with their doctor in their 40s, earlier if they have additional risk factors which include family history, ethnicity, diet and exposure to defoliants such as Agent Orange; and
 

WHEREAS, 94% of men learn their diagnosis from an early detection test; and
 

WHEREAS, in addition to the importance of early detection, non-profit organizations at the forefront of this disease, such as ZERO-The End of Prostate Cancer, are crucial in leading the fight to end prostate cancer by advancing research, encouraging action, and providing education and direct support to men and their families;
 

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that the Prince William Board of County Supervisors does hereby proclaim September 2015 as Prostate Cancer Awareness Month and urges all citizens to educate themselves on the importance of early detection and to show their support in finding a cure for prostate cancer during the month of September and throughout the year.

BOARD OF COUNTY SUPERVISORS

_________________________________

Corey A. Stewart

Chairman

Some may say proclamations at the local level are a dime a dozen but it's about awareness to me. To my knowledge, Prince William County has never proclaimed September as Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. As I said from the beginning, this isn't about me. This is about my dad and all the other men who are battling this disease, are survivors, who have succumbed to this disease and who haven't even been diagnosed yet.

If I can be a part of bringing awareness, even a small little part, then I will gladly climb up on that pedestal and shout from the rooftops. Or in this case, I'll create the masterpiece behind the scenes and let someone else take all the credit.  Makes no difference to me because it's all about awareness and getting people educated and informed!

The number of men who should have to suffer from

prostate cancer?

ZERO.

 

There's no better time for you to help!

The 2015 annual campaign is still occurring and we're on the downward stretch toward the end of the year. Don't you need some tax write-offs? Wouldn't you like to make a donation to an incredible

non-profit? I have the best one right here.

 

Click the link below to easily make an online donation to ZERO and help men like my dad who have been battling this wretched disease for almost 20 years.

 

http://www.zeroprostatecancerrun.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1127720&lis=1&kntae1127720=303A3D9EFCCF4A9D9C4D9D860DB25C72&supId=417434731&_ga=1.211285264.429039745.1441817379

 

We thank you.

 

 

Chemo #9 and Shotgun Rider

On August 6, Dad endured Chemo #9.  Chemo was reduced by 20% with this treatment in hopes that it would help him bounce back faster. The last couple of treatments had been very harsh on Dad and something needed to change. I'm happy to say that instead of the period of  "bad days" lasting almost two weeks, with the reduced treatment the period of "bad days" only lasted a week and three days. That is huge progress. At this week's appointment, the doctor was pleased with Dad's labs being as close to normal as possible and we were going to "keep on rockin' and rollin'". Dad's last PSA was at 14.9 which is fantastic! It's still decreasing and the next one will be mid September.

This past Saturday afternoon, Dad decided he wanted to go to our happy place. He hadn't been able to join me in almost two months so this was a very special couple of hours.  As we did our best to embrace and enjoy Dad's good days, we enjoyed delicious food and wine (that his taste buds could actually appreciate again) with close friends.

Evidenced by the name of my team, Denny's Shotgun Riders, Tim McGraw's music is very special to me and my parents. Since I was a child, attending concerts has always been something we have enjoyed together as a family. I remember growing up sitting in the living room with my dad, listening to albums and reading along with the lyric liners - Dionne Warwick, The Carpenters, Barry Manilow, Bee Gees, Commodores, Helen Reddy. These are some of my fondest memories and my love of music is all thanks to my dad. As I aged, Dad and I still shared our love of music and while he introduced me to a lot when I was younger, I have introduced him to quite a bit as well. We still sit in the living room and listen to music but often now we have a glass of wine in our hand!

For as long as I can remember, Mom and Dad have always joined me at Tim McGraw concerts. While Tim is my absolute country favorite artist and I have traveled all over to see him live, it's always a treat to have my parents with me. Two years ago, I was lucky enough to score front row 100 level seats at Jiffy Lube Live and the show just happened to be on the eve of Dad's birthday!

From the teary-eyed and powerful encore of "Live Like You Were Dying" to the heartfelt oldie-but- goodie, "Don't Take the Girl" to one of the best unknown songs on one of Tim's albums, "Angel Boy", Dad and I would belt out the words to every Tim song.  On Dad's birthday eve concert, he was the only one in the entire pavilion that knew it was "Mexicoma" before Tim even opened his mouth and we were so excited. Dad had heard "Mexicoma" on the new album that had just been released a few weeks prior and loved it.  He was hoping Tim would sing it and was surprised when he did! Of course, I had to capture that moment in time.

It was an incredible night for the three of us and I cherish it even more so this year because my parents won't be able to join me due to the concert being the day after Chemo #10.  As heartbroken as the three of us are, I have enlisted my favorite guy to fill the void. Poor guy has no idea what he's in for......

I will scream at the top of my lungs when "THE MAN" comes on stage. I will take tons of pictures.  I will sing every word to every song. I will make sure I do "Mexicoma" proud if it's performed. I will raise my voice to the heavens when our cancer anthem is sung.  I will smile until my face hurts. I will cry quite a few tears. I will call Dad and let him hear his favorite Tim songs.

 When "Shotgun Rider" is performed, I will take a deep breath, hold my head high and be so proud of my dad and how he is battling this wretched bitch of a disease. I will think of my incredible team, Denny's Shotgun Riders, and remember how each and every team member has supported my family and me through this fifth recurrence.

"Shotgun Rider" may be a popular Tim song, the name of this tour, and a love song to most listeners, but to me, this tour and that song, touch my heart and soul like no other.  It IS a love song. A song of love between two soul mates, a song of love between a little girl and her dad, a song of love for everyone who has fought and vowed to stand beside a man who is going through one of the worst times of his life.

Roll, won't you come roll with me

Slow, fast, full speed
Wherever sweet time takes us.
Hang with me down this old road.
Only god knows where we'll go.
Don't matter long as I've got your love.

It's also a song of hope. We can face anything as long as we have each other. Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again. Even though the ZERO prostate cancer race is over, my dad still has his Shotgun Riders encouraging him, praying for him and supporting him through this battle.

As Tim says in his song, "Carry On":

Nobody ever said that life was gonna be fair.
You're never gonna get no where by runnin' scared.
If you look down deep inside you'll find the faith to make you strong.

Carry on

I tried to walk the sunny side of the street.
Don't let no shadows tangle up my feet.
There ain't no troubles that we can't rise above with a hand full of faith and a heart full of love.
Carry on
What don't kill us makes us strong
Carry on

We're right by your side, Dad.

Every step of the way.

Keep kickin' cancer's ass! 

We got this!

Chemo #8 - trials and mercies

On July 16, Dad endured Chemo #8. With each treatment it's getting more difficult for him to bounce back but don't worry, he's still fighting! Some days I don't think he wants to and some days I think if I were him I don't know if I could endure what he's going through. It used to be that it would only take a week of hell after chemo and then he'd have a week or so of good days. But this last time it took almost two weeks before he started feeling better. It's very frustrating for him to not be able to do the things that he's done so easily his entire life. In the same respect, it's very sad for me and mom to watch him bear the brunt of this battle. But we're still winning and that is what matters! Keepin' our eye on the prize!

Good news is that with Dad's next chemo on August 6, treatment will be reduced by 20% in hopes that the harshness to his body will also be reduced. He will have a PSA done then and we ask for (and thank you) for your prayers that the PSA will continue to decrease. There is no reason to believe it won't. The trend has been in our favor thus far and we know it will continue. Hopefully, there won't be many chemo treatments left!

Not long ago, I was faced with the nightmare of potentially losing my mom to a brain hemorrhage. By the grace of God, she fought and came through pretty much unscathed. I cannot begin to explain the sheer terror of that unexpected event. Almost a year later, my dad's cancer comes back for the fifth time and has spread like wildfire to the bone. The fear of losing my father was then slapping me in the face. But my parents are fighters and it's not time yet!

This past April, a good friend of mine unexpectedly lost his parents on the same day. A coworker of mine also lost his parents within months of each other. I can't even imagine how that feels. I can't imagine losing one of my parents much less both of them at the same time or within a short period of time. The only saving grace for me would be that they are together.

I try not to think about these things but I also am not going to ignore reality or blow off the possibilities that surround us. I have always been the type of person who would rather be prepared for the worst and it never happen than to not know what to expect and be blindsided.  In that same regard, I have had my own personal struggles (thankfully not health-related) over the last month and while they are finally starting to be resolved, the experience has just opened my eyes and made me realize what is really important in life. It's not the stresses of work or the people who don't see my point of view. It's not the fact that I broke a heel on one of my favorite pair of shoes or that my hair is turning gray faster than it has in the past. It's not the fact that the ghetto asshat blocked my driveway again. It's not the trivial things. Because as soon as I start getting bogged down by the trivial things, I am quickly reminded of just how trivial they are.

Life truly is short, my friends. It can change in an instant and there's no turning back. In one moment, one act can change the way you have always thought or behaved. In one moment, you may never be the same person again and you didn't even see it coming. There's no warning sometimes and you just have to adjust and do the best you can with what you've been given. So try not to worry your life away. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Most of all, be aware of what you say, how you say it and the meaning that you are putting forth through it.  Tell those you love that you love them. Spend time with them and don't put anything off until tomorrow. Live each day as if it were your last and make it count! I'd hate for you to not have that opportunity one day. There's nothing worse than regrets.

Dad is now in the midst of his good week and he and Mom are doing everything they can to make every moment of those good days count! Keep the prayers coming!! I can't begin to stress how important they are and how much all of your support means to the three of us!

Until the next update, I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs.

Blessings
by  Laura story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if the trials of this life....
the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise.

Chemo #7 - This shit sucks

On June 25, Dad had Chemo #7.
On July 1, we found that his PSA is continuing to decrease and is at a 20.
In February, when chemo started, his PSA was at 101. 
Chemo is working!
Hallelujah!

 

My dad is probably tired of hearing me exclaim those three words at this point.
Why?
Because even though chemo is working and the PSA is continuing to decrease, each treatment is harsher and it's really starting to take its toll on him - physically and mentally.

It's pretty fascinating when I think about how it's actually become quite predictable at this point. Chemo treatments are once every three weeks on a Thursday. The "bad period" lasts about a week and a day after chemo - meaning the Friday a week after the Thursday chemo - he starts rejoining the land of the living. But when he's in that bad period, he feels as if he's never going to come out of it. It used to be that he could get through the bad days because he knew the good days were just around the corner. The last few treatments; however, have been down right miserable and unbearable. At times, there's just no rationalizing with him.

He's weak.
He's frustrated because he gets exhausted doing everyday routine things.
He gets mad because what used to be such an easy task he just can't do any longer.
All food tastes like cardboard. Even water tastes bad.
His fingernails and toenails are blackening and brittle.
His feet tingle so bad that he has to take an oxy just to be able to sleep at night.

I never want to diminish how he's feeling or what he is going through because I know it is pure hell. In fact, it absolutely destroys me to the depths of my heart and soul to see him enduring this nightmare but.... I also do my best to try to encourage him and remind him that this too shall pass.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. We see it with each cycle and THAT is what he needs to focus on each time. That Friday a week after the Thursday chemo, he WILL start feeling good again.  I must admit with each treatment it is harder for him and harder for me and my mom.  Mom and I do absolutely everything we can but we also realize that it's often just not enough. He, unfortunately, has to battle this physical burden on his own and all we can do is take a deep breath, do the best we can to encourage him and support him, and pray for those good days to arrive quickly.

I remind him of how this all started last Fall:

He was in tremendous 24/7 pain. 
He couldn't go four hours without taking a narcotic and that still didn't instantly make the pain disappear.
He was walking with a cane because he was hurting so badly.
He couldn't sleep because of the pain.
You could visibly see the knot on the back of his head where the cancer had spread to the skull bone. His back, side and hip were sources of agony.
No treatment was currently working. The cancer was continuing to grow at a fast pace.

I remind him of how what he's going through is pure hell BUT it could be so much worse:

What if chemo wasn't working?
What if he felt this bad and it wasn't making a difference?
What if the PSA wasn't decreasing but still doubling every four weeks?
What if he was vomiting 24/7?
What if he had to be hospitalized?
What if he was still having insufferable pain on top of how he's feeling now?
What if there were no good days to look forward to?
What if every day since chemo started in February was a bad day?
What if his taste buds never came back?
What if he still had to take narcotics 24/7?
What if the cancer was still spreading?
What if he was given a timeframe left on his life?

Thank God, none of those things are happening!!!!

So what do we do?

We must continue to take one day at a time. We must power through the bad days with our focus being on the good days that are approaching.  We must take a deep breath and suck down that daily ton of water so that we don't become even more dehydrated than chemo already makes us. We must plug our nose and eat that food so that we don't become weaker. We must rest on the bad days because we all know that our bodies heal when they are resting. We must take a step back and realize it is ok to let someone help us do the things that we can't do as easily anymore. It is not admitting defeat. It is allowing others to help because they want to and because it's a simple fix!

I know I'm not going through this - he is. I know that I am not feeling the anguish and frustration that he is feeling.  I know he knows all of this because I have these conversations with him all the time but it's reinforcing it and it's BELIEVING it that has to occur.

To all of Dad's friends and family, I have a few easy but important ways you can help:

1. Please continue to pray. Prayers are what have gotten Dad this far. They DO work! He is living proof. But pray not only for the cancer to be gone and for the PSA to continue to decrease, but pray for physical and mental strength for Dad to continue to fight this battle!

2. Please STOP asking him how many chemo treatments he has left. There is no set amount of treatments. There never has been. I'll continue to say what I've been saying - chemo is working. We keep doing chemo until it stops working or his body can't tolerate it any longer.  Those two things aren't happening and hopefully won't happen. The goal is to get his PSA to a 0. At that point, we will do scans again to see if there is any evidence of cancer. If there isn't, then chemo ends. However, the PSA will continue to be monitored.  Continuing to ask him when his last treatment is does not help matters any because all he wants is for this poison to stop being pumped through is body. The more you ask the more demoralizing it becomes because he wants an end date and there isn't one. We will do what we need to do and have as many treatments as it takes to get rid of this cowardly disease.

3. When you see him or talk to him, don't focus on his health and the fact that he has prostate cancer. My father may have cancer but cancer is not what my father is about. Treat him like you've always treated him. He happens to be battling a terrible disease but he's not a different person. He is living with this 24/7. He doesn't want to talk about it 24/7. Treat him as you always have - no differently. I have learned from so many other friends who have battled cancer, that the worst thing you can do is treat them differently; yet everyone always does. (That one was for you, my sweet Peggy!)

4. Visit him. Call him. Send him an email or a card. Offer to go out to lunch. Offer to bring food over. Offer to have a beer or a glass of wine during his good days. Offer to just come over and hang out.  If he doesn't feel like it, he'll tell you! But it will mean more than you know to even ask!

Right now, he's in the midst of his "good period" and we need to focus on turning those good days into great days! Next Thursday, July 16, will be Chemo #8 and we'll begin this vicious cycle yet again. I still don't understand, in the year 2015, why we haven't found a better way to get rid of this disease than by poisoning human beings in the process.

But again, at least chemo is an option. Without it, I don't want to even think about where we'd be right now.

However, to put it bluntly, this shit downright sucks.

The silent, and often overlooked, hero

Since January, this blog has been focusing on my plight to put an end to prostate cancer, served as a journey through my fundraising activities leading up to the ZERO race on Father's Day and has become a way to promote awareness through my dad's story. Expression through writing has also served as a form of therapy for me. While I hope that all of you have been able to gain knowledge and perhaps even enjoyed reading my posts, it's way past time that the silent, and often overlooked, hero through this entire battle is now acknowledged.

But first, I need to explain a few things. It's time for a little one-on-one tutorial of the prostate because I bet most of you don't even know where it is located or its function.  Yeah, I'm a woman and I'm talking about an important part of a man's reproductive system. Get over it. I have found that women are the ones at the forefront of this disease and I am proud to be one of those women. Did you see my short but poignant interview on Let's Talk Live! on News Channel 8 on June 15? It was even mentioned then how women are taking the lead in the cause. If you haven't seen it, here's the link:

http://www.wjla.com/blogs/lets-talk-live/2015/06/zero---the-end-of-prostate-cancer-25604.html
 

Ok, here we go, people. Pay attention.

The prostate gland is shaped like a doughnut, the size of a chestnut and weighs about an ounce. It is made of 70% glandular tissue and 30% muscular tissue. The prostate sits just below the bladder, behind the pubic bone and just in front of the rectum. It wraps around the urethra which is the tube that carries urine from the bladder to the penis.

The prostate provides nourishing and protective fluid to support sperm survival and increase the chances of fertilization of the egg in a women's uterus. During ejaculation, the prostate contracts around the upper portion of the urethra, preventing urine from being released into the semen. It produces seminal plasma which is a component of semen and contains alkaline compounds to protect sperm after ejaculation into the vagina, and supplies proteins, enzymes, and minerals such as zinc and calcium to nourish sperm. The prostate gland also secretes natural compounds that stimulate contraction of the uterus to help sperm move towards the egg and increase the chance of fertilization. In essence, the secretions of the prostate gland produce nutrients sperm need for survival. Without prostate gland secretions, sperm would not be able to survive in the female reproductive tract. So, the prostate is a pretty important little gland if you are one of those people who want to have children, right?

Several conditions can affect the prostate as a man ages and most men will experience some type of prostate problem in their lifetime. The prostate gland actually continues to grow throughout a man's life but very slowly after the age of 25. Enlargement of the prostate is a normal part of the aging process and usually doesn't become a problem until about the age of 60. While an enlarged prostate is not a problem in itself, it is uncomfortable and can lead to more serious problems. Prostatitis which is inflammation, and sometimes combined with infection, of the prostate, can also be a problem and is the number one reason why men under the age of 50 visit a urologist. I, however, think that the number one reason men under the age of 50 SHOULD visit the urologist is to get a PSA test! Actually, I highly recommend you get a PSA as soon as you turn 40. While prostatitis and enlargement of the prostate may be uncomfortable and lead to other issues, prostate cancer is something that can be detected very early and I highly recommend all men have a PSA test.  The only way prostate cancer discriminates is by affecting men. Age doesn't matter anymore.  Gentlemen, give yourself a great birthday gift. It could perhaps be a gift that saves your life.

So there's the down and dirty of the prostate gland in a nutshell. Get it... nutshell. The prostate gland is the size of a chestnut. Nutshell. Ha. Yeah, stick around, there's bound to be more where that came from.

Prostate cancer is extremely difficult for a man to handle - not just the physical toll that it takes on his body, but the equally (often worse) mental toll as well. The majority of men do not want to talk about it when they are diagnosed and take on the battle privately for years because for some reason they are embarrassed, ashamed or just feel awkward.  I, unfortunately, have known many men who have suffered through this disease and treatment alone - some by choice, some not.

My dad has been fortunate since day one of being diagnosed, 19 years ago, to never have to fight this battle alone. My mother and I would never let that happen. A friend commented on how much prostate cancer research I've done lately. This hasn't been lately. I have 19 years of research and information in this brain of mine and I'm still trying to learn more. Knowledge is power.

Do you know what else is powerful to a man with prostate cancer? An amazing, selfless, devoted and loving woman by his side who will stop at nothing and sacrifice everything to keep him happy and protect him. No, I'm not talking about me. This isn't about me. Remember, it's never been about me and it sure isn't now.

I'm talking about 'til death do us part. The real 'til death do us part. Those aren't just words with no meaning. It's in those wedding vows for a reason. You speak those words because you mean it from the depth of your heart and soul.  In sickness and in health. Everyone can get through the good times together. It takes a lot of strength, love and prayers to get through the bad times.  It's not easy. There are times that are easier than others but it's definitely not easy.

This woman is by his side at all times - literally and figuratively. She boosts his confidence when he's feeling low. She finds the positive in the darkest of times even when it's the hardest thing for her to do. She bites her tongue and holds her breath when his pain and frustration causes him to not think before he opens his mouth and speaks. She makes sacrifices in her life that no one but she knows and it's sometimes hard for her to comprehend why.  She can barely remember what her life was like before him and she can't even imagine her life without him.

Even though life as they know it has changed and may never be the same again, she is focused and devoted and she makes the most of every moment with him. This woman is prayerful and God-fearing but that doesn't mean she doesn't worry and silently scream out "why!!??"  She may not even be in the best of health herself, but she finds the inner strength to conquer anything. She never complains and she never gives up hope. She often swallows her pride and puts his wants and needs before her own. While she devotes her life to making sure he doesn't feel alone, ironically, she often feels as if she is the one who is alone. She promises her love to him and assures him that they will get through this nightmare together. She is terrified most days and yet her courage is rivaled by none.

She is his caregiver.
She is the love of his life.
She is the silent, and often overlooked, hero in his battle with this coward called prostate cancer.
She is an angel on earth.
She is my mom.